The Pain

A much anticipated play-date with the gang from the pole studio and after just a couple of minutes, an innocent tumble causes my neck to break down. Leaving me unable to move without having to endure extremely excruciating bolts of pain shooting through my entire backside. When that first, all too familiar sting of agonizing ache gives notice of its presence, I get chills. All the bones in my body freeze, but at the same time, I start sweating. A panic attack emerges from deep inside. Oh no, not again…

I’ve been seeing a physical therapist this year. She’s been a lot of help and I almost thought (almost), that my days of searing neck pains were over. How naïve of me.

It’s been ten days now, since the play-date that went wrong. Ten days and I am not feeling one bit better. In fact, I’m almost feeling worse. Once the first wave of pain had settled, a second one suddenly came shooting out of my right shoulder. A piercing, blade-like pain that had me horizontal for almost three days. And once that started to calm down, a third wave began to spread. This time, it’s the usual spot on the right side of my neck that is in complete lockdown. If I lay down, I can’t move. I have to keep absolutely still. Otherwise it cuts me like a knife. If I sit or stand, I can’t turn my head to either side. I have to stare straight ahead and not make any sudden movements. This basically has me walking around like a damn robot. And I am not amused.

I haven’t been able to work out for a week and a half. And tomorrow, I’m supposed to run a pole dance workshop for everyone at the office. I have already postponed it once and I refuse to let my neck get the best of me and do it again. So, I will drug myself. With all the pain killers I can find. And keep my fingers crossed that I won’t die from the pain.

This is probably one of the reasons why I, unlike my friends at the pole studio, hate the pain that some of the exercises, tricks, spins and stretches cause. The others embrace the pain and see it as proof of progress. For me, pain is horror. It’s fear and shame and turns my entire world upside down.

I have hurt enough.